It’s hot outside! Looking for similar heat in the bedroom? This month in the magazines, it’s all about sex. While there’s plenty of advice for spicing things up in the July issues, the endless relationship sob stories make it even more tempting to remain celibate.
Glamour advises “it’s okay” to “think about your eBay bid during sex.” If you’re that bored in bed, you might actually consider taking sex advice from a magazine. “101 Ways to Have the Best Sex of Your Life” offers tips from silly (“throw those [granny panties] out—go freestyle”) to solid (“whatever it is you want, it’s not shameful or embarrassing”).
The husbands of sex-advice-dispensing duo Em & Lo weigh in on getting intimate with experts, and here’s a key pointer: “Being nice is the best aphrodisiac.” Indeed! Seven women delve “Inside the Guilty Mind of the Other Woman.” Number of successful relationships to stem from the infidelities: two, if you include a friendship between two women who were dating the same guy. (Also, this is remarkably similar to a story in last month’s Elle.) Providing the opposite gender’s perspective, columnist Jake reveals “7 Lies Every Guy Tells.” Guess what? He secretly hates your best friend and your cat! Get over it, Jake.
Those lies are nothing, however, compared to the relationship implosions reported in Elle. The author of “Crazy in Love” fields some serious falsehoods when she falls for a man while they’re both confined to an NYC mental institution. Spoiler alert! The relationship ends spectacularly badly. In her monthly advice column, E. Jean Carroll rescues two women from “relationship hell”—by recommending they end their relationships. Well, what else can you do with a man who refuses to move out of his mother’s house? E. Jean also brings up an innovative point of 21st century etiquette: a man who wears his girlfriend’s underwear must replace anything he stretches!
If you’re seeking someone to share your skivvies with, Marie Claire will help you out. The magazine is giving away a trip to San Francisco to meet with matchmaker Pari Livermore, who will arrange three dates for the winner. Still single? It’s probably your fault! Livermore chides, “Women are willing to put all kinds of time into their careers, but not into meeting guys.” Ugh, don’t they have priorities?!
But “China’s New Concubines” don’t have to choose between love and a career—they receive a “luxurious lifestyle” in exchange for providing “all varieties of sex.” In the “Love/Sex” section, one woman manages to meet a guy—but he’s her friend’s ex; and the sex diary of a long-distance couple reads more like the relationship’s death throes. Still, hope abounds! In “Is Love Skin-Deep?” writer Sarah Robbins explores how she came to accept her boyfriend’s tattoo. The skin art in question is an arm-covering, multi-colored skeleton, so it must be true love.
For those few experiencing similar connubial bliss, Self offers “Your Sex-ercise Plan.” According to the article, not only is there a g-spot, but there’s an a-spot, the anterior fornix, which is even “farther up” and will therefore be even more impossible to locate.
Self‘s other pre-coital recommendations include cardio, Kegels, and cutting out carbonated drinks. [Oops, just drank my 10th Diet Coke of the week!—Editor] In non-carnal news, the mag reports that 46% of couples keep separate checking accounts; women find it easier to forgive than men do; and 68% of singles expect to fall in love within five years.
If you’re not part of that 68 percent, check out Cosmopolitan, which explains “Why You May Be Avoiding Love.” Short answer: it’s more important to hook up than to settle down. Still, no one can say Cosmo isn’t trying to help! They offer “Fascinating Facts About Rich Guys” to help you pinpoint Mr. Richie Rich, er, Right. (Fact: well-heeled guys like steak and online porn. What a revelation!) “Have Extra-Naughty Sex” is Kink 101, and “50 Tiny Gestures That Make Him Love You More” promises to seal the deal.
Sample “tiny gesture”: wear underwear with his favorite team’s logo on game day. There’s also advice your male pals wish they could give you, and a male correspondent recommends keeping bar soap in the shower, since the poor thing is confused by those shower gels and mesh poufs women use. Mars and Venus, you know.
But don’t get depressed by the prospect of sleeping with a man who can’t even figure out how to use liquid soap. There might not be many happy endings in the magazines, but the possibilities hinted at by sweet stories like the tattoo tale just may make it all worthwhile. Sigh…
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